Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Writer comes out about secret love

To call me a fan of Duct Tape is clearly an understatement. I am not just a fan. I am a diehard, Type "A" Duct Tape fanatic.

If I could keep only one thing in my toolbox, it would be two rolls of Duct Tape.

Not that I would disregard my Phillips and slotted screwdrivers, forget about my pliers and socket wrenches or abandon my glue gun and wood putty. It’s just that my sweet, ever-loving Duct Tape is irresistible. Wonderfully waterproof and fabulously flexible, it is the most amazingly adhesive super power tool ever created. I am in love....

If anything needs a repair, the first tool I think of is Duct Tape.

You know, I don’t always get the praise I deserve for my passionate resourcefulness. Recently, after repairing the hinges on our folding closet door, my husband cringed and said, "Oh no! You didn’t use Duct Tape, did you?"

"Yes, I did," I shot back. "I doctored that baby up with a little Duct Tape and, voila, it opens and closes just fine. And, you can’t even see the Duct Tape."

I love Duct Tape so much that I’ve been known to drop hints about my dream toolbox, which would include every color of Duct Tape ever made.

Fluorescent yellow and tangerine orange, navy blue and army green, hot pink and cool turquoise. Goodness! I'm getting hot and sweaty just thinking about them.

When I’m not planning what to cook or what to write, I am dreaming of the many ways I could use Duct Tape.

I've repaired skirt hems with it, recovered seat cushions, restored light shades, reconnected cupboard doors and reinforced storage boxes.

One Sunday awhile back, when I was on a road trip in Southern Nebraska, I used it to repair the undercover for my engine, which had come loose and was dragging beneath my car.

I stopped at a convenience store in the next town to pick up a roll of Duct Tape. While lying on my back underneath the car, people came and went, not stopping except one.

After Duct Taping my car back together, I stood up to see a silver-haired woman in church clothes waiting for me, looking bewildered.

"Hello," I said, dusting myself off.

"Well, I was wondering who that was down there," the woman replied without greeting me first.

"It’s me," I said. "How do you do?"

"Just fine, thank you. Lovely day isn’t it," she commented, raising her eyebrows.

"Yes, it is a lovely day to have car trouble and to be able to fix it with Duct Tape," I replied cheerily. "I love this stuff," I bolstered, holding up the roll with prideful resolve. "And this was the last roll in the store. Can you believe that? It must be my lucky day." Silence. "Well," I continued, "I’d better be on my way. I have a bit of a drive." We parted ways, and I could tell she just did not get it.

Yes, I definitely am more than a Duct Tape fan. I am head over heels in love. Duct Tape rocks!

2009 © Copyright Paula Damon. A resident of Southeast South Dakota, Paula Damon is a national award-winning columnist. Her columns have won first-place in National Federation of Press Women, South Dakota Press Women and Iowa Press Women Communications Contests. In the 2009 South Dakota Press Women Communications Contest, Paula's columns took three first-place awards. To contact Paula, email, blog with her at and find her on FaceBook.